Cuntsultancy™

Unleash Your Inner Cunt (or Someone Else’s)

Cuntsultancy™ — the world renowned firm specializing in ego inflation, meeting bloat, and high-impact narcissism strategy, designed to destroy morale and maximize chaos.

“Cuntsultancy™ didn’t justify my team — they completely dismantled it, salted the earth, and pivoted to a buzzword I didn’t understand. Brilliant.”
— Taylor, VP of Dyforsfunction

Am I the Cunt?

Take our industry validated diagnostic quiz to uncover whether your problem is them — or tragically, you.

Dating a Cunt?

Use our CuntTrast™ Compatibility Matrix to assess romantic red flags you’ve been ignoring for years.

Book a Cuntsultant™

We'll audit each of your interactions, and tell you exactly why they're the problem.

Submit Your Story

Had a run-in with a world-class cunt? Share your story (anonymously or not) and help us expand our case studies. The best submissions may be featured in our Cuntifesto™.

Why Choose Cuntsultancy™?

✓ Bleeding-edge Cunt Metrics
✓ Zero Accountability Frameworks
✓ 99.9% Passive-Aggressive Communication
✓ Meetings That Feel Important But Aren’t

We don’t just consult. We Cuntsult.™

"Total game-ruiner."

"I hired a Cuntsultant to help with team cohesion. Now we don’t speak, but performance metrics are somehow up. They fear me now... and it works."
— Dana, Middle Manager

"Expert gaslighting."

"They told me I was the problem... and they were right. My therapist quit. My promotion came through. Worth every penny."
— Craig, Aspiring VP

"Meetings that destroy souls."

"The four-hour town hall alone drove half my staff to early retirement. Incredible ROI."
— Priya, Startup Founder

Trusted By (Definitely Not These Companies)

TotallyLegitCorp™
SynerGem Solutions
Amalgamated Ego Inc.
That Startup You Ghosted After the Third Interview

Download Our Cuntifesto™

A 99-slide PDF manifesto outlining our values, vision, and Q3 gaslighting goals. Now with charts, and thermometers - whatever those are.

This website is baseless satire and any "assessments" therein should be treated as such. We are by no means acc(o)untable should you lose your job, partner, ego, or otherwise. All images are not real people, any likeness to you / your boss / partner / roommate / ex-bff / that guy who just cut you off without using a turn signal is entirely coincidental.